I'm Scared of Everything

 

I have so much anxiety it's crazy.  If you know me at all you know this already. You probably also know that the home I grew up in was very open about mental health, due to my dad being an RCC (Registered Clinical Counsellor). Thankfully, this means I have had many open conversations about feelings. I wouldn't have had it any other way and I feel very fortunate that this is what my upbringing looked like. It is something I want to do with my future kids and family. Because talking about things is healthy :)

These conversations about mental health have continued into my adult years. I look forward to conversations with my dad about the brain and why I am the way I am. It's one of my favourite parts of our trips to Abbotsford. The last time we were there, I asked my dad his opinion about why he thinks I have anxiety about something. I don't remember specifically what it was, but he answered very kindly and patiently and said, "I have realized you are scared of everything. There is nothing you aren't scared of." I had to laugh. He is so right, and it really is sad. I basically live my life in fear of things I know are irrational. The list of things includes but is not limited to: 

Airplanes/flying

Pills

Men in general but especially men that look at me in public

Needles/Bloodwork

Pumping gas (this is a new one)

Driving uphill

Boats/Waterslides/Swimming

Throwing up in public

The smoke alarm going off

Getting followed while driving

People under the influence (talking to me)

X-rays/Ultrasounds 

Bleach

Driving any car other than my own

Choking


I could go on and on but I'll leave it at that. I feel inclined to share a (not so) fun story about my early years that have taught me a lesson about myself and mental health. 




So, that cute little girl had a bit of a hard time in her early years. When I was young, (I think maybe Kindergarten?) I developed a really bad fear of rain and wind. Yeah, i know a lot of people things storms are scary and it's cute and silly, but it was really real and difficult. I remember it starting to rain at school and the teacher having to close the blinds because I would lose my mind, crying and panicking. My parents sent me to a group therapy program with a bunch of kids that had anxiety. I even knew at that young age that they had no idea how to help me. They wanted me to draw "worry bugs" and tell them about my feelings... no thank you. I switched to one on one therapy at the same office. I remember her asking me to draw a picture of my perfect day, and then asking me why the sun was shining in the photo instead of it raining (because kids always draw photos of rainy days?) She asked me if it made me nervous to watch fish swim in a tank or to swim in a pool and I said no. But the real fun time was the time it started pouring rain when I was AT therapy. My mom wasn't there, it was stormy and I was convinced she was dead. I lost it. 

I also remember my teacher at school not getting it at all. I mean, it's not like teachers nowadays really get anxiety and are sympathetic about it. But I remember my grade two teacher writing herself a reminder on the board "Rebecca going to counselling" and i was so embarrassed. I also had a tummy ache from anxiety and she asked me if I had to poop, IN FRONT OF THE CLASS! Seriously woman. 

No matter how many times my parents showed me how the drains worked, told me there were no hurricanes in Abbotsford and that there couldn't be a flood because we lived on a hill, I could not be reasoned with. My parents could probably tell this story better than I am, but eventually they realized that once they just sat, hugged and loved me I calmed down. What I was really having such extreme anxiety about was them dying. It all came down to separation anxiety. To add to the list from before, I still have separation anxiety with them to this day. Most of my fears stem from bad things happening to people I love. It's funny how things work out. 

Once they discovered this, I just stopped freaking out about the rain. Though I am a bit of a basket case and I'm "scared of everything" I am working through some big life adjustments and working to be better every day. 


This little girl had no idea how good things would turn out one day :) 
























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