Today Has Been Okay

 

When I first started this blog my intention was for it to be an outlet to share my thoughts and feelings, as if I were writing in a journal. I like to keep it somewhat peppy (unless we're talking about cancer) so that I can look back on happy times and memories. However, if I want this to truly be an outlet for myself I feel the need to be honest that life isn't always peppy. I feel like there is so much going on that I don't feel like I can discuss with anyone for multiple reasons. So if there is one person reading this that feels like there is a lot to bear right now, I see you. I'm sorry you are having to bottle things up. I know the feeling well. 

Life feels heavy right now. I said to Brody the other day that I feel like I have been going through a hard time for years. I was driving home from work today and the song called "Today Has Been Okay" came on. Today was not one of my better days. Neither was yesterday. But the song did take a bit of a lift off of my shoulders with the idea that things should be better soon. 

Since this is my place to express, I wanted to write down some things that feel difficult right now. Hopefully I can look back in a week, month or year and see how things have gotten better. To not completely leave on a sour note, I'll note down some things that are good too :) 

- I'm at the point where I am starting to get a bit worried about my next scan and what will it look like if my cancer is back. 

- My latest scan didn't show any cancer, but it did show that I am getting zero blood flow to my left kidney and that it has died or is dying. It isn't a death sentence but it is something I have to be mindful of. I'd rather not have to at 23 years old. 

- I have always believed that my family is supposed to all be together. In the same city. Forever. It's hard when everyone goes their separate ways and being all together is a special occasion.

- We want all the money to do all of the fun things but when you're newly married it doesn't always work out that way. 

- I am insecure in myself. Always have been, probably always will be. I hope there is a day where I like what I see in the mirror.

- I am insecure in my relationships with people. It's hard to cut every toxic person out of your life.

- I can't seem to get a grasp on getting my house in order. I am always behind.

- I have so much anxiety it keeps me from doing a lot of things I would probably love to do.

- "Friends" not being mindful of my life and making careless comments not thinking about how it would affect me.

- My parents and grandparents are getting older and I am not spending as much time with them as I would like to. 

- I want to be able to help anyone who is struggling. Not being able to do this actually takes a physical toll on me and I feel sick about it. 

- It's hard when you have so many wins and only your losses get noticed. 

- I feel like my purpose in life is to be a mother. I am not a mother and probably won't be any time soon and I feel like I am wasting so much time. 

But there are some great things in life :)

- We get to go to Toronto in a few weeks to see my WHOLE family together! We have never been there and I can't wait to see Jilly graduate. 

- I am working at American Eagle again, making friends there and doing a pretty good job.

- I am still so happily married to Brody. He really is my rock and best friend and this past year would have been so much harder without him.

- Loki is about to be 2! 

- I am so blonde. 

- I just had a really nice time at Veranda Beach and got to reunite with Erikka.

- I got to reunite with Jordan a few weeks ago and celebrate Tina's 50th birthday.

- I am happy to be healthy enough to not have to miss things anymore. 

- My family is only one call away.