Part 1: He Thinks You're Dumb and Stupid

 

From a very early age, I had this feeling that I was dumb. This probably goes further back than I actually remember but my first real memory of it was when I switched from French immersion (grade 3) to English (grade 4). I knew I couldn't keep up in French immersion and even though my older sister Manda loved it and excelled in it, we had to switch. I think there were a few reasons why we did, but the one that stands out the most in my mind is that it was because I just couldn't keep up. 

So when I started at a new school in grade 4, it was a fresh start. I could dazzle everyone with my French skills (or lack of), make new friends, and probably make all of the boys fall in love with me. But before that, my teacher had to embarass me a few times. 

My first recollection of being embarrassed in class, was when I was trying to be a good friend to my new friend, Emma. Emma had lost her voice and told me that she wasn't going to talk at all, all day. I took great pride in this role of being her voice if someone needed to talk to her, answering questions on her behalf, feeling like I was a VIP because I knew what was going on and nobody else did. I guess an important detail in this story is that Emma was really, really smart and I had always struggled in school, primarily in math. I have never understood why in the hell teachers call on kids that don't have their hands up in class. I have fallen victim to this unique form of torture many times in my school-attending years. Anyways, we're in math class and the teacher calls on Emma to answer a math question. Emma looks to me to be her voice and tell the teacher that she won't be answering any questions today, due to her voice being gone. The class falls silent, all eyes on us as we exchange looks. I speak up quietly and say, "She can't answer, her voice is gone." The class is still silent. The teacher responds with a classic, "Oh... well why don't you answer the question then, Rebecca." Umm Rebecca can't do math, let alone do math on the spot in a room full of people she was trying to impress. My face goes red quickly, my stomach drops like that feeling on a roller-coaster. Why me? This is not how I wanted this moment to go. So, I finally find enough air in my lungs to respond, "I don't know the answer. I can't answer it for her." The teacher looks like she has never heard anything so shocking. Because God forbid an 8 year-old is confused about math. So she responds with, "You don't know? Even though I just explained it?" Well, duh. Isn't that what I just said? Who is the stupid one here, really? She goes, "Hm." and finds someone else to answer the question. 

Now this was around the time where I found the boy who I wanted to date. Did I mention this was the fourth grade? I had never seen a more handsome face, he was super athletic, super popular, his mom was a teacher at our school and all of the really pretty girls wanted him. As did I, I really wanted this guy. Because this is elementary school and because we all lacked emotional maturity at this time, I thought the best way to express my feelings to him was to have one of my friends tell him via note. Like a handwritten note on a piece of scrap paper. So she writes the note, "Rebecca likes you." and I go stake out in the school bathroom because I couldn't possibly be in the room when he discovered how I really felt. 

Time goes by. It feels like forever but finally my friend comes into the bathroom and slides a note under the stall door to me. I hear the swinging door shut as she leaves the bathroom and I'm left there with a crumpled piece of paper with her note to the boy, and a new note to me from her. I can remember every single detail about this moment. I opened the note, probably hopeful that he loved me too but also pretty sure he didn't because look at me. Again, fourth grade. Anyways, I read the message that my friend had wrote to me on the note and it says, "He thinks you're dumb and stupid and he doesn't like you." Well at least I knew. But at age nine, I didn't realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea, that I shouldn't care what some stinky pre-pubescent boy thought of me, that I was worth so much more than how he just made me feel. 

This is what I looked like when this story took place. Just a little girl, in a new school, being told that she was too stupid for a boy to like her. Luckily, I did have a pretty strong gang of girls to back me up, who went and told him that HE was the stupid one and that I was great. They were right!