Part 30: The Elephant In The Room

 I loved talking to Elder Jensen. The problem was that I was really messed up from all the hurt I had experienced. I was convinced that there was no romantic connection between us, like the one I was convinced that I had with Pete. He had convinced me that Calgary was the place to be, and was even going to help me find a place to live. It seemed that he and his family had a lot of connections in the area.

Then, the best thing happened. The missionaries have to move every six weeks, sometimes they stay where they are, sometimes they move many hours away, sometimes they just move a city or two over. Currently, Elder Jensen was in Langley/Surrey area. This was considered outside the area that me and my family lived in, over in Abbotsford. But when the transfer calls came in, we were told that Jensen would be moving to Chilliwack, which was in the same Zone as Abbotsford. This meant that his lessons would be in my church building, he was closer to where I lived and it would be a lot easier to see each other. Mind you, I STILL didn't think I had feelings for Elder Jensen. He was just a great friend, who was really nice to talk to. He was also hilarious. He made me laugh out loud and he had the best stories. He also had the best smile. But I didn't let myself think about it too much because I was totally fine being single and I couldn't fall into the missionary trap. 

One day, Luke and I headed out to go to Cultus Lake to walk around. While we were on our way out there, Elder Jensen messaged me asking what I was up to. When I told him that Luke and I were going to Cultus, he replied with, "No way! We are too." Sure enough, when we got there, Jensen is there with his companion. The four of us walked around and talked and laughed. He started to teach Luke how to skip rocks and I tried not to stare. When we told the Elders that Luke had released music, Jensen insisted that we play it right then and there. We pulled it up and he listened to the whole song, which I appreciated because my family means a lot to me and he cared. For a while, we just had interactions like that one. He was kind to everyone. He was hilarious and made me laugh out loud. He was a good guy in every sense and I had no reason to not fall for him. But there was some wall up preventing me from going for it. He was a missionary, which had never stopped me before, but I knew that he was going to be in my life if I decided to move to Calgary. I couldn't shake the feeling that he liked me and wanted to be with me. Which seemed unrealistic for many reasons, but I just had a feeling that he wanted to be with me. 

One night, I was standing in the kitchen with my dad after everyone else had gone to bed. He asked me what I was doing the next day and I told him that I was meeting Elder Jensen and his companion at Cultus Lake. "You mean, Brody?" my dad asked. Brody was Elder Jensen's first name. The missionaries didn't go by their first names often, and I definitely couldn't call him Brody. But my dad had caught on that I had grown quite fond of Elder Jensen and now that he had me alone, he wanted to address the elephant in the room. He basically asked me why I wouldn't want to go for him, him being a missionary aside. While I hesitated to think of a good reason why I shouldn't like Elder Jensen, my dad says, "Go for it." and leaves the room. My dad is wise, and I do really trust him. If he could see our chemistry and thought it was a good idea to go for it, he must be right. 

As I lay awake in bed that night, I think of my situation and I think of Elder Jensen. He had quickly become one of my favourite people. But he was a missionary, living about thirty minutes from me, in the middle of his missionary service. I couldn't exactly call him up and tell him that I had feelings for him. I didn't want to ruin his mission for him, he had about nine months left. I don't know if we could keep carrying on this way while he was serving in this mission. Or he might get transferred 10 hours away which would almost be more painful than ignoring it. I didn't know what to do. 

The next day, I met up with the Elders at Cultus, just like I had planned. We had this routine where we would ask everyone if there was anything they needed specific prayers for. Every missionary lesson was concluded with a prayer, but he knew that I was working through things and wanted to let me know that I had someone in my corner. But at this particular moment, the only thing that was weighing on my mind was that I was falling in love with this missionary and I couldn't tell him. I returned the question back to the Elders and asked them if they needed special prayers for anything. Then gets dropped the bombshell of my life, "You could pray for me to know whether I should stay in this mission or leave for Trinidad." 

Let me give some backstory. Elder Jensen had previously been called to the Trinidad Port of Spain mission, but was reassigned to Vancouver, BC because of the pandemic. He had been working in my area for just over a year at this point, and the pandemic had finally cleared up enough that it was safe for him to go to his original assignment in Trinidad. This was a huge deal. A lot of missionaries were reassigned before they started or they were pulled from their missions to stay closer to home. It was devastating for them and if they could go to their original assignments, they should. But I didn't see this one coming. I knew it would be painful for him to get transferred a few hours away in a different zone, but didn't ever think he would get transferred across the world. All of this was going through my head, but I had to hide my face. "Wow! That's so exciting!" I said to him, trying to sound believable. He said he needed to pray and ponder about it for awhile, talk to his parents and see how things went. 

I didn't want him to go, but he had no reason to stay. Except for maybe me, the girl he was friends with that was distracting him from his mission. After a few days of counselling with people, he decided to go and the flights were booked. He would be serving in Guyana. Don't ask me where it is on a map, I still don't know. Anyways, he would be leaving in a few months and he would finish his missionary service there. I was genuinely excited for him, but was going to miss him, and I was sad. We were messaging each other one day talking about it, going back and forth. I pictured us having this conversation in person, with long pauses as we thought and talked around the elephant in the room. I remembered my dad's words, "Go for it" rang through my mind. I held my breath as I typed out the words that I didn't know if they would end up being a huge mistake or the biggest blessing. "So, do you think that we could talk about what's going to happen with you and I?" He read it instantly. Then, nothing. Minutes went by with no response. Just the "read" symbol under my stupid message. I just tanked any chance of this ever working out with him. Then, as I stared at my words, full of regret, my heart racing, three typing dots appeared on his end of the conversation. They popped up, then disappeared, then popped up, then disappeared. I turned my phone off. He was going to respond, tell me he could never talk to me again and tell me I ruined his mission. 

Then came a vibrate, a notification from Facebook Messenger, and something I didn't expect. A message from Elder Jensen on my phone screen read, "As soon as I'm out of this mission and in the airport to Guyana, I will address the elephant in the room." Oh snap.