Jensen House

 What could the "elephant in the room" mean to him? I mean if you were to ask me, it would be that we obviously have feelings for each other. But for him, it could be that obviously we need to stop being so friendly with each other. He could be waiting to enter the Vancouver airport and tell me that he won't be ready for a relationship for a long time and that I needed to back off. This wouldn't be anything I hadn't heard before. I mean men seemed to run from me as fast as they could, for reasons I didn't understand. But if that were the case, I don't know why he would wait another month and a half to tell me that. He and I had gotten friendly but everything was extremely appropriate, with him being a missionary and all. One night, he told me that the highlight of his day was when he got to see me, which I thought was nice and could be interpreted as a dead giveaway that he liked me more than as a friend, but I still had a massive guard up and knew that he...

 I loved talking to Elder Jensen. The problem was that I was really messed up from all the hurt I had experienced. I was convinced that there was no romantic connection between us, like the one I was convinced that I had with Pete. He had convinced me that Calgary was the place to be, and was even going to help me find a place to live. It seemed that he and his family had a lot of connections in the area. Then, the best thing happened. The missionaries have to move every six weeks, sometimes they stay where they are, sometimes they move many hours away, sometimes they just move a city or two over. Currently, Elder Jensen was in Langley/Surrey area. This was considered outside the area that me and my family lived in, over in Abbotsford. But when the transfer calls came in, we were told that Jensen would be moving to Chilliwack, which was in the same Zone as Abbotsford. This meant that his lessons would be in my church building, he was closer to where I lived and it would be a lot ea...

 A couple hours went by. We got home from Christmas dinner and were spending the last few hours of Christmas as a family. My phone started to buzz again and it showed a Messenger notification. Elder Jensen kept his word and messaged me again. He was talking to me about how great the young adult wards were in Calgary and how he loves to have friends over for parties. We kept chatting until he revisited his unanswered question about where I was currently attending church. I hated this question, especially from missionaries. If I told the truth, it would turn into a lecture about how I should go and how it's the best place, etc. I've had this conversation before, and I did not like it.  I thought about my response and decided to say, "I don't really have a ward right now. I don't like to go to church and I don't really like to talk about it." I thought it was polite enough, I set a good boundary. I thought surely he would stop talking to me now. I wasn't ...

One night in November, after deciding I was truly okay being single and at peace with myself, I drove up to the Vancouver Temple to walk, talk, and think.  I have always found the grounds comforting, so it made sense to me that I would go there to break down and think about my life. It was dark out, it was maybe close to 10:00pm and it was cold out. I started to walk laps around the lit up building, the tears flowing and almost freezing to my cheeks and the creases in my eyes. When I turned the corner during my lap, I heard two mens voices. My initial instinct is to run, which I'm sure any female will understand. But it wasn't a murderer, it was two missionaries. They were on their way home but had stopped to be by the temple, too. I recognized one of the Elders from earlier that year. It was Elder Jensen.  He was with his companion getting his picture taken in front of the temple. He had never caved to my flirting and I actually got the sense that he was annoyed with me most ...

Somewhere between the wedding, my surgery, and my ongoing simping over Pete, Holly and I stopped nannying together. I was juggling a few different families at the time, but the one that was especially dysfunctional—the same one with the stairs I fell down—ended abruptly and, unfortunately, not on great terms. It started with her baby daddy bringing home the wrong vacuum cleaner and forgetting to pay us. It ended with Holly and I walking out on a yelling match, leaving their poor toddler quite literally standing in the middle of them. We never went back after that. She did text me to let me know that she had taken the baby, the TV and a bunch of money and left their house. She asked me if I would testify in court if she decided to go for full custody. I was nineteen and I think anyone would agree that would be inappropriate. So I didn't respond and we never spoke again.  My other nanny families were great. One family had two boys and a baby girl, and the other had two small girls. T...

 Manda's wedding was right around the corner and with the constantly changing Covid restrictions, we're limited to a drive-by bridal shower. I really felt sad for Manda and Ethan. They would have loved to have a huge party for their wedding with unlimited guests and a big dance and speeches. I was crowned the maid of honour and I was going to do all that I could to make this a good experience for her.  For the bridal shower, we set up stations around the outside of the church building where people could drive around and see each of us and do an activity. I was the first station where we collected gifts and handed out Pringles and La Croix water. I was spending a lot of time at the church building with my ever growing crush on Pete. He was still a missionary in Abbotsford and we did still talk everyday. Before the bridal shower started, he and his companion Elder Jensen showed up to the church. I had tried to message Elder Jensen on his birthday, to which he just replied with ...

 In January of 2021, I started to understand how teething babies feel. My wisdom teeth were coming in hot and they were extremely painful. When we pulled up to my appointment to have them pulled, I started to question if the pain of having them removed would be worth it to stop the pain of them coming in. I was going to get the laughing gas to help me get through it. I had never been on any sort of sedation before and was feeling really nervous about it all. Because of Covid still at its height, I had to be dropped off by myself. When I get in the chair, they lean me back and put a mask over my face which makes me feel claustrophobic and panic. But before I realize it, everything is moving in slow motion and everything is suddenly very silly.  As it goes with any sedation, it's all a blur. But I do remember part ways into the procedure I say "Hey, can you turn the sedation down?" The dentist ignored me, probably because he was concentrating and I had been spouting nonsens...

 I went to counselling in the spring of 2020 after the intervention with my family. My dad is a therapist and my whole family has always been extremely mental health positive, pro counselling and aware of our feelings. Some people (who don't understand how mental health works) might not get why the daughter of a therapist would be in counselling, because "can't you just talk to your dad about all of your problems?" My dad is wonderful in endless ways, but no. He wasn't my therapist and it's not a secret that we all need someone to talk to who has no biases and can keep things confidential.  I initially decided to target my break up with Gaston which triggered my fears of abandonment that I didn't even know I had. We had to meet over Zoom because of the height of Covid, but what was really going to help me was EMDR. I did EMDR for the first time when I could finally meet with my therapist in person. I am no expert on EMDR, but the simple version is that  EM...

 My family doesn't feel the same. My mom is really sad and this Covid lockdown is really getting old. I have sat my parents down and told them that I don't want to be a member of the church anymore. Looking back on it, why did I think that this would be a good time to tell my mom this? Her entire world ripped out from under her and I was like, "Oh by the way, I hate the church and don't want anything to do with it." Not my best move. Sorry, mom.  My parents hold a family meeting about a week after my Grandpa's death. "So, how is everyone feeling?" my dad asked us. We hadn't ever experienced a loss like this, but the real elephant in the room was how hard it was to watch our mom in this state. I remember listening to her talk through sobs about how she would never see her dad again. I felt tears running down my cheeks but I felt numb. I wasn't used to seeing my mom crumble. We went around the circle to share our thoughts but I knew that we all...

 I'm sitting on the stairs at our house in Salmo. Jill, Holly and I have burst into song, singing "The Lions Sleep Tonight" and I'm taking a video of it. I have a massive mosquito bite on my eyelid and my grandma recommended I use toothpaste to ease the itching. So I have toothpaste smeared all over my eyelid. We're singing and laughing and I am trying to numb the pain of Hans' sudden departure. Suddenly, my mom runs outside in a panic. She has received a text that her dad has collapsed and is unresponsive.  I can still hear her cry, visualize her face, feel the hot August heat on my face as I stand outside to hear about what is happening. We were six hours from Abbotsford, where my grandpa was lying unconscious in the hospital. He had a heart attack and collapsed outside and was taken by ambulance to the hospital. It was utter chaos. Because of the lack of cell reception, my mom was just trying to call somebody to find out what was happening but she wasn'...

 I'm really glad that Hans and I are close again. He is definitely not the same guy that I went to school with, but I wasn't the same as I was back then either. I was up to no good pretty much all of the time and Hans kind of thrived off of it. One night, I was in a bit of a vulnerable situation and I tell him that I love him. He says he loves me too. He actually says that he never stopped loving me and that we've always been made for each other. I have heard through the grapevine that a girl at a party was talking loudly about how she and Hans had been "hanging out." When this information gets back to me, I ask him about it and he says that he's never even heard her name before and he only wants me. I am just eating this up. I really do believe him. When he shows up to the gym later, we talk about it and laugh about how people would really do anything to break up a happy couple. I post a video of myself singing and he responds to it and says "You're ...

 A lot of my friends got married during Covid. There was a wedding in May, and it was the first "social distanced event" since the shut down. It kind of felt like what heaven would be like, as everyone pulled up in seperate cars just so happy to see each other. Manda and Ethan came together and I came in a separate car because they had plans after. So I pull up to the wedding and it felt like I was the only one not in a relationship. I was still crushing on Greg pretty hard and was still under the impression that it would go somewhere because I was in fact, heartbroken and clueless.  The whole wedding, I feel out of place. It felt like a couples party that I was eleventh-wheeling at. I figured that nobody actually wanted me there, so I skip the cake cutting, tell Manda and Ethan that I'm leaving and I get in the car and drive away. As I'm leaving the parking lot, I see a crowd of couples that I know. They're mostly my friends. In the sea of romance, I see somethin...

TW if you're sensitive like me :) Covid is at its height. The restrictions are tight, more things are getting cancelled by the hour, and my trip that I had planned to go see Manda was cancelled. I had told my co workers at the daycare that I needed a few days off after my breakup, but it closed down anyways. My boss said that she didn't think it would be an easy re-open because a lot of the moms of the kids were upset that you were going to have to be vaccinated to come back in. Because obviously it was our fault that we didn't want their kids to get a virus that was killing people. Anyways, my boss asked me if I wanted to start working at the front desk of the gym. I knew some of the front desk staff. It seemed like a bit of a frat house at times, but it was going to be a bit more weekly hours and a change of scenery. I agreed pretty quickly.  Manda was coming home from BYU. We wished it was under happier circumstances but we were really excited to have her home. I needed ...