Welcome to My Journal

        For about the past year, whenever I expressed to someone my stress, anxiety or really any big feelings I was having, I would often hear the response, "Well look at all the big changes you've had this year!" That's one way of putting it. Although I have been called a "big feeler" for most of my life, I would say it isn't a crazy idea that I have been through many big events and experiences this year that have pushed me to many limits. 

    I love my husband. I think people could start to tell I loved him when I flew solo to Alberta to meet his mother without him while he was gone on his mission. After being in a long distanced relationship for what felt like forever, I moved to my new home Calgary, Alberta. If you know me, you know that I am an anxious girl. Throughout the course of my life I have struggled with extreme separation anxiety (which at times looked like a fear of floods and hurricanes.. but that's a story for another time.) Leaving my parents and siblings to move to a newer, bigger city is the hardest thing I've ever done. But once I had reunited with the love of my life it all was worth it. I knew I would have struggles, but it would all be worth it because I could finally be with him. 

    Moving to Calgary came with many firsts like my first car (along with my first car accident. If you need to know how to bail a car out of an impound lot I can help you.. but again that's a story for another time), and my new job. I was working as a sales receptionist at CMP Automotive. My first grown up job. The high stress atmosphere, in addition to the 45 minute commute in the dead of Calgary winter was all I needed to feel like I was in way over my head. Now I don't want to seem like this was all bad. I had heard from many sources that I was excelling at my new job and most people had grown quite fond of me. I had never seen myself working in an administrative position but there I was, and I was pretty much loving it.

    Brody and I got engaged December of 2022. I had seen it coming for awhile but I was definitely shocked on the night it happened. It was magical. I had been anticipating it for so long and I could not wait to start planning. We decided to have two receptions so we could have family and friends from both Calgary and Abbotsford join us in our celebration. The next week I went wedding dress shopping with my mom, sisters and cousins. We had so many great laughs. I will never forget that feeling of all the wedding excitement and butterflies and anticipation about our special day. I felt so ready. After 5 months of long distanced planning with my amazing mother, Brody and I were married in Langley BC. It was extra special because my Grandpa was able to seal us in the temple. It was a very hot day. The bridesmaids were champs in their uncomfortable wedding shoes and the groomsmen in their long sleeve shirts, but it was an absolutely perfect day that we will never forget. The day ended with my dream reception with beautiful speeches, a dance and delicious food. Then we were off on our honeymoon. 

    After the wedding craziness it was really time to settle down and start life together. A life I had imagined for us for a long time now. We were settled into our little basement suite in Calgary and ready to get back to normal. Except I realized something fairly quickly: I was not ready to get back to normal. I suddenly became really overwhelmed with the idea of keeping up with maintaining a liveable home for us to live in, the financial struggles all newlyweds face and living so far away from my old home while doing it all. I felt really weird about the depression I was feeling. I was a newlywed! Isn't this supposed to be the happiest time of my life? I started to pick myself apart and realize I was extremely unhappy with the way I looked and the way I was. I felt like I could never be a mother but also felt worldly pressure to be pregnant almost instantly after marriage. I was worried I wasn't making enough money, but the idea of going back to my job at the car dealership seemed so awful. I think I cried almost every day for the first few months of marriage. It all came down to that same separation anxious feeling I felt so long ago when I was a child. I was trying so hard to stay happy.

    Over the last few weeks, I have realized that I could probably choose to snap out of my negative mindset. After all, there is so much good all around me! I know the change seems really abrupt and trust me there were many long nights my husband had to talk me down while I cried. One Monday I just decided to brainstorm some goals I had. Just to name a few, I wanted to exercise and eat smarter so I could feel healthier. I have been obsessed with how I look for a long time, I figured it was about time to do something about it. I wanted to learn how to scrapbook, spend more time outdoors, stay hydrated, make my little basement suite feel homey, and I wanted to start keeping a journal again. I am so proud of myself for sticking to these goals even though it has only been a few weeks. Journalling was going great. I just let whatever I was feeling spill out of me, and wrapped up each entry with 5 good things. Brody and I have both noticed a massive change in me since I decided to change my mindset. I know I will still struggle and that my big feelings won't go away overnight, but since this is working right now I figure I might as well roll with it!

So why a blog? You may be wondering. I wish I had a better answer for you. You can probably tell I am no writer. My grammar doesn't always make sense, I don't really know how to use punctuation and I get overwhelmed really easily. Two of my aunts that I really look up to both keep blogs and I have read them for years. They're funny, emotional, nostalgic and I would be lying if I said I didn't want my blog to somewhat resemble theirs. So to keep it simple, I am blogging because I am a decently quick typer and my hand gets too tired writing in a journal! So today I am starting this digital journal so I can watch myself progress and have fun doing it.