Part 11: I'm Really Sad
Some time in grade eleven, Manda and I decided that it was time for our own rooms. Our house was small but big enough that we could have our own rooms if the younger two girls shared. So we moved into our own rooms and I feel like it was pretty underwhelming. It's funny how as kids, all we want is our own room. There were many nights that Manda and I spent arguing over who was going to turn the light off at night. Or nights where I was trying to sleep while she had friends over and they were being silly. I like to keep my space as messy as possible and she likes to be really neat, bed made and clothes put away. But there were also nights we spent laughing. Times where we made music videos on Video Star with Jordan or times when our mutual friends came over and we all stayed up together. So many good chats, belly laughs and fond memories. We moved into our own rooms, but what I would give to be sixteen sharing a room with my big sister again.
Gaston and I were pretty much still talking every day which was really confusing. I would beg him to take me back and he would say that his mind was made up and it would never work. I would do just about anything to have him back. He would ignore me at church, message me when I got home then brush hands and make eyes with me in the hallway during our bible study class. We are broken up but I am still in love with him. It was absolutely excruciating to see each other everyday. Sometimes he would torture me on purpose and talk to one specific girl that I had always felt threatened by. I would see them together and get really sad. He knew this but he did it anyways.
My family knew that we had broken up but they thought it was for the best, which really irritated me. I knew they didn't want us together but that made me want him even more. During spring break of grade eleven, my family takes a road trip to SLC, Utah for a church event. We go with my aunt and uncle and their three young kids. The deal was that we would all go on the trip and get to experience temple square in Salt Lake, but we would babysit the kids while the adults went to the event. I loved my cousins and I loved playing with babies so it wasn't hard to get me to agree to this plan.
After a night of playing in the pool with my cousins, Steff offers to take me on a date to the hotel restaurant. It's just the two of us and I thought that she was the coolest so I say yes. I order a caesar salad because I'm pretty sure Gaston broke up with me because I'm fat. Steff was a great friend and role model to me then and now. She says she notices that I haven't been eating very much on our trip and she asks me if it's because I've been sad. She is the first person to ask me that, and this is the first time that I'm able to admit that I am really sad. But it's not for the reasons she thinks I am. I tell her that Gaston and I will get back together and that we just need some time apart. Steff shares some moments from her personal life with me and tells me something along the lines of how there are plenty of fish in the sea and Gaston is a bit of a tool. I smile and nod, convinced that no adult has ever been in love like this before, and then go back to the hotel room to text Gaston before he goes to sleep.
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When I was in grade eleven dealing with my own hardships, my family had a bit of a difficult situation happening at the same time. My sister Holly was in her first year of middle school and had developed some pretty serious anxiety. It isn't entirely my story to tell so I will keep Holly's privacy but she did not want to go to school. If it was time for school, she was face in her hands, crying because she was afraid to go. It was very upsetting to see my little sister like this. She didn't normally act this way and I didn't know how to handle it. I really felt like my family was falling apart. I have felt like this many times in my life, but this was the first time. Falling apart maybe isn't the right phrasing. More like, our family was never going to be the same again. This situation led me to try my hand at songwriting. I sat down with my ukulele one day and wrote a song that I dedicated to Holly. Some of the lyrics say, "Holly, darling understand, I just want to make you happy. You're my best buddy. Don't be sad, keep on smiling." It makes me tear up just typing that out. I love her so much and I just wanted her to feel okay again.
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The spring semester of grade eleven, I am a peer tutor for a drama class. It was supposed to be an easy A, basically a spare where I sat in the drama room for the whole class and never did anything. It was like that for a little bit. I had a lot of friends in the drama class and some of my other friend's had spares that block, so it looked like it could be fun. At some point, it's announced that the show the teacher picked for the drama class would be Mamma Mia. As the peer tutor, I wasn't supposed to be participating in the show. But the teacher (the same teacher who gave me all of the bad parts in the other musicals) pulls me aside and asks how I would feel about playing one of the leads. Yeah, I could probably play Sophie. It's not too vocally demanding, she isn't THE lead, just A lead. I already knew the songs from the show so I agreed. But he says, "No, we're wanting you to be Donna."
I wasn't sure how this would be received by a bunch of kids who were actually in the class because I kind of showed up and stole the part from them, but at the same time the kids who actually want to be in drama class are few and far between. Most of them just want an easy credit, which I kind of did too so it worked out for everyone. If you're familiar with Mamma Mia, you know that Donna has three romantic opposites in this show. I don't remember anything about one of them, I think his name was Joey. The second one was a good friend of mine and had done all of the YMT productions with me since The Little Mermaid. The third one will unfortunately be a key part in this story for awhile, but at this point, he's just a cute guy that I get to act with. I'm going to call him Hans (from Frozen) for reasons you will have to read and see.
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