Part 21: This Won't Matter

 I'm really glad that Hans and I are close again. He is definitely not the same guy that I went to school with, but I wasn't the same as I was back then either. I was up to no good pretty much all of the time and Hans kind of thrived off of it. One night, I was in a bit of a vulnerable situation and I tell him that I love him. He says he loves me too. He actually says that he never stopped loving me and that we've always been made for each other. I have heard through the grapevine that a girl at a party was talking loudly about how she and Hans had been "hanging out." When this information gets back to me, I ask him about it and he says that he's never even heard her name before and he only wants me. I am just eating this up. I really do believe him. When he shows up to the gym later, we talk about it and laugh about how people would really do anything to break up a happy couple. I post a video of myself singing and he responds to it and says "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." 

At the beginning of August 2020, Gaston messages me. It starts off slow, just small talk, "how's life?", etc. I finally ask him what he wants and why he's bothering me. I was not ready for his response. He goes on to tell me about someone told him what I had been up to lately. He says that it's his job to tell me to get it together because I'm embarrassing myself. I think that this is kind of rude and that it really crosses a boundary. Who did this guy think he was? We broke up in March, it was August and I was ready to take things to the next step with Hans. I'm filled with this familiar feeling of rage from when he left me. I hated him for leaving me and turning me into this person that I didn't recognize. He turned me into this basket case who was living a lifestyle that I couldn't possibly share with my parents. Everything was heavy and I was so mad. I wanted to hurt him. "Hans is taking good care of me now, so you don't need to check up on me." He starts to really lose it. He asks how I could do this to him. He said that the only reason I got together with Hans was to hurt him. There was truth to the heart of this and his reaction was exactly what I wanted. He was really hurt and mad, just like I was in March. I blocked him after that and we never spoke again. 

My family was taking a big trip to Salmo. My grandparents were going as well as all of my dads siblings and their families. Ethan was coming too. It was his first trip with our family. Hans and I are in love and he tells me how much he loves me all the time. It feels pretty much exactly how it did in high school except for the fact that we were grown up, so things were more adult. I had confided in him about things I had never told anyone. I trusted him with my life. Things were going so well that I was working up the courage to introduce him to my parents, break the news of what we had been up to and tell them he was my boyfriend. We hadn't talked about labeling anything but we were basically dating and I loved him a lot. I told him that I was leaving on this trip and I wouldn't be around to hang out much when I was gone. He said okay, that he loved me and he'd see me when I got home

The Salmo trip is a lot of fun. I like being there with everyone. Having Ethan on the trip does make me a bit sad that he was welcomed with open arms, when I tried to get Gaston on family trips so many times and he never cared enough to make it happen. The reception in Salmo is not very good so we aren't on our phones very much. I try to connect with Hans when I can but it's only for a couple minutes everyday. 

One morning, I wake up to a missed text from Hans, and it’s not the usual good morning. It's two short texts and I'll never forget how I felt when I read them. "Hey, just so you know I have a girlfriend." All the air was sucked from my lungs and my mouth became bone dry. "If you text me again, I'll block you." I was confused. Was I not supposed to answer that text where he just shattered my world and dropped a huge bomb on me that defied everything I have thought to be true for the past few months? I did anyways and I tried to stay calm. I asked who she was and if this was new or if it had been the whole time. He told me her name, she was a girl that I had gone to high school with. We can call her Louise. I didn't even know that they knew each other. I just say "Okay" and leave it at that. 

I have to leave. I'm laying next to my sleeping sisters and cousins. I can't cry. I can't let anyone know what happened because most of them don't even know who Hans is. Our family was going on a hike that day and would have no cell reception. I turn to Instagram and find Louise's account and follow it. I had to find out how long they had been together. Would I find pictures of them from all summer? I think about when I heard about the girl at the party who was talking about how they had been talking and he denied knowing her. They were two different girls. I find her VSCO account and see a picture of the two of them on her birthday from a month ago. He had cheated on her with me. When I go back to see if she accepted my follow request, the account is nowhere to be found and she had blocked me. 

Later that day as my family is headed to the hike, Hans texts me again. I don't really want to hear from him but I do want an explanation. He asked me why I tried to follow Louise and begged me to not ruin his life. He told me that he told her that I had been all over him all summer and that even though he told me he had a girlfriend, I persisted and crossed boundaries. He told me that he told her everything I had ever confided in him about and that everything between us was all in my head. At this point I am convinced more than ever that men are mean and I will be alone forever. Three guys in six months that I thought loved me, decided that I wasn't good enough. I respond to him and say, "You need to get over yourself. I will never think about you again." Of course I would think about him. I would think about him for this entire hike that I was about to go on. I was going to think about him while I pretended to be happy with my family. 

When the hike is finished, Hans has blocked me on every platform and it's over. I get into our family car and drive to a parking lot and cry my eyes out. When my dad texts me and asks me what's wrong, I tell him that I'm overstimulated by the family gathering and I need a minute to myself. I sit there and cry for about twenty minutes. 

Now I don't know this at the time, but my grandpa is going to die tomorrow. My mom will be devastated and all of the boys, and break ups, and heartache won't matter anymore. Family is the only thing that matters, and that lesson came at the perfect time.