Part 12: Hans

 Rehearsals for Mamma Mia start and I think the show is going to be really good. I think it did help that I was finally a lead but I was also having a lot of fun with Hans. Although I'm in this complicated situation with Gaston, I start to think what things could be like if Hans and I ended up together. He really thinks that I am just great and he doesn't shy away from telling me. He always hugs me and compliments me in rehearsals. We have insane onstage chemistry that people in the class start to spread rumours that I like him. All of the girls are in love with Hans so they're really jealous that he and I are becoming closer. I tell them that I love Gaston and that Hans and I are just really good friends. 

Hans is playing Sam in Mamma Mia, so if you know the show you know that Donna and Sam get married in the end. The script did have a kiss in it, but no teacher was going to make us kiss if we didn't want to, except we really did want to. Over text one night, Hans and I talk about it and decide we don't mind kissing at the end of the show. So during rehearsal, Hans finishes singing "When All Is Said And Done" and grabs my hand to pull me in to sing the last line with him. As the song ends, he looks into my eyes, grabs my cheek, closes his eyes and kisses me in front of the whole class. Obviously, this is high school so everybody freaks out screaming and squealing and we just laugh. "We're just really good friends!" we both say. The teacher ultimately doesn't want to be cancelled by anyone's parents or the school staff so we opt out of the kiss for the actual show. But I had butterflies for weeks. Of course when I relayed this story to Gaston over text I really wanted him to be jealous, but not so jealous that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I was really confused.

At this point, Hans decided there was no point in hiding it anymore and he tells me that he loves me. He tries to convince me to leave Gaston and says that he can be so much better for me. I think I love him too. I look forward to seeing him everyday. He doesn't just text me then ignore me in person, he wants to talk to me all the time. I love how he tells me he loves me everyday, and I say it back even though I mean it half in a friend way and he means it in a boyfriend-type way. Hans is sweet. I think my family would like him (except he was not a Mormon and I didn't think they would like that part) and I knew they were going to see us together in Mamma Mia eventually. 

During this time, it was our school's annual singing competition Yale Idol. I had competed every year ever since grade nine but I had never won. Hans had told me that he had been rooting for me every year I performed. One day at school, I walk past the schedule for the competition where everyone's names are next to the time slot when they'll be singing. Next to my name and time slot someone has written in "Becca Leavitt - THE WORST" and next to my time slot of 10:00AM, it's crossed out and the word "NEVER" is written on top of it. I thought my days of not being liked in high school were over. I hadn't had any real enemies in a long time ever since the grade nine situation. The only people I could think of that would do this were the girls in Mamma Mia who liked Hans. At this point, I want to drop out of the competition because I knew I wouldn't win anyways. I run into Mamma Mia rehearsals crying because of the note on the board. Hans is there with open arms and tells me that he won't let me drop out and that I'm going to win. This is my year, we can feel it. 

The day of the competition comes around. I have my piece all ready to go and as I'm walking up to the stage, I whisper to the sound tech and tell him that I'm changing my song to "I Know Where I've Been" from Hairspray because it's a guaranteed win and it's my best work. I go up and sing but when they announce the winner, I don't win. I am devastated. Everyone that said I was the worst was right. Hans hugs me and kisses me on the head and tells me that I'll get them next time. 

The performance of our show is coming up and we are all so excited to put it on. My whole family is coming as well as my extended family and my friends. One day at church, I see my parents talking to Gaston's parents and telling them about it. I had asked Gaston to come to the performance to see all of my hard work and he said no. He and I were still talking everyday, arguing about our break up. I would beg him to take me back and he would say no and that his mind was made up but then hold my hand in a dark room or write me a note and pass it to me in bible study class. Anyways, when we see our parents talking, Gaston and I approach them and they're talking about Mamma Mia. "You guys are welcome to come!" I blurt out. Gaston's parents say they would love to come but Gaston shows no emotion about it. 

We put on seven successful shows and on the last night, my family is in the crowd with Gaston and his parents. Gaston had heard about Hans but I don't think he realized that we had some intense chemistry. At the end of the show when Hans and I do our stage kiss, everyone applauds the show and I look to Gaston and he isn't applauding. He is sitting there with a straight face not looking too happy. Hans squeezes my hand extra tightly as we take our last bows but all I can think about is how I probably just blew my chances of Gaston ever wanting to be with me again. Gaston and his parents don't say hi to me after the show, they just leave me with the rest of my fanclub. 

When I get home that night and text Gaston and ask him what he thought he said he didn't like the idea of me playing a role of a woman who was sleeping around. But at the end of the conversation he says, "I've been thinking, and I was wondering if you're still in love with me. Because I realized that I'm still in love with you." This was all I have wanted for the past few months. Though he wasn't committing to be my boyfriend again, he was saying that he loved me and could be open to the idea. It didn't feel as climactic as I pictured it, but I didn't understand why. I tell Gaston that of course I still love him and I would take him back whenever he's ready. I did think that the timing was convenient, since this love confession came right after he saw how well Hans and I got along. But I just knew that I could not pass up an opportunity to be with Gaston again. 

After Hans finds out that I am going to stay loyal to Gaston going forward, he gets a girlfriend of his own. She is one of the girls from Mamma Mia and she is actually really nice. I like her, but at that point there is still a small part of me that thinks I should have given it a try with Hans. 

On the last day of school, we all do karaoke in the drama room. It hasn't been the same since he started dating his girlfriend and I decided to wait for Gaston. I was not there to steal anyone's man so I knew we had to have some sort of boundaries. When I get up to leave for the last time in grade eleven, Hans gets up from his seat and follows me to the door. He gives me a big hug and thanks me for a great year. I walk out to meet my mom in our family minivan, choking back tears. I was really going to miss him, and I can't believe that I just lost my chance.